


The Cheerful Tune You Whistle

by TheCohort



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, M/M, Multi, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-25 16:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCohort/pseuds/TheCohort
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of unrelated one shots focusing on the pairing of Bilbo Baggins and Bofur. Ratings, warnings and summaries for each chapter listed in chapter summary.</p><p>1. Sometimes Bofur get's distracted. (An AU inspired by Sentinel AUs)<br/>2. Bilbo shouldn't be surprised by how hairy dwarves are but he is. And then he's curious.<br/>3. After listening to her cousins gossip all night Bilba finds herself impulsively taking a strange dwarf home with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prone to Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/M, Rating: General Audiences  
> Bofur's heightened senses leave him at a risk of becoming too focused. Bilbo helps when he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest I've never watched Sentinel but I've read quite a few Sentinel AUs and I love the concept. This is mostly just a handful of snippets I wrote when I first had the idea so I'll probably be adding another Sentinel one-shot later that has an actual plot.

Bofur's shoulder was firm beneath Bilbo's hand as the hobbit attempted to gain his attention. Bilbo had stumbled upon a clearing filled with fireflies when he had left camp to relieve himself. He had wanted to show Bofur, sure that the dwarf would not tease him too horribly about his excitement, only to find the dwarf staring blankly into the fire and Bilbo unable to draw his attention away from the sight.

Bilbo waved his hand faintly in front of Bofur's face in a last effort to distract him. The motion must have been more expressive than he intended as Bombur came bustling up beside him to gaze down at his brother.

Bombur placed his hands on his waist and shook his head, "Is 'e zoning out?"

Bilbo shrugged, "I suppose so?" he said,, uncertain exactly as to what Bombur meant though he supposed it was an accurate description of Bofur's current state.

Bombur moved around to the front of Bofur, his body blocking the fire from his brother's view, "He does that sometimes. It's better when we travel, keeps his mind on a set task." he slapped his palm lightly against his brother's cheek, "C'mon Bofur snap out of it. Stop thinkin' about the fire."

"How does it happen?" Bilbo asked. Eyebrows moving down into a frown from where they had risen at the sight of Bombur slapping his own kin.

Bombur leaned back from Bofur and scratched his head, "Well he's a bit more sensitive than most dwarves. Touch and sight and such. Hears real good too." Bombur hummed a little and tugged at one of Bofur's braids, "So if he focuses too much on one thing he kinda gets absorbed in the sensation an' just... zones out."

Bilbo gave the Dwarf's shoulder another gentle shake, "How do we fix it?"

Bombur shrugged, "Depends on what he's distracted by; getting between him and whatever he's looking at helps. If he's listening to something ye can talk him out of it. Bifur likes to hug him from behind and breath steadily into his ear. It's a bit strange to watch but it sometimes works. Y'can of course slap him if nothing else."

"Does that help?"

"Not really." Bombur crouched so that his eyes were level with Bofur's and gave an expressive frown, "Bofur. Yer worrying our burglar."

Bilbo squeezed faintly at Bofur's shoulder when the dwarf finally shook his head faintly and gave a small "hmm?" Bombur gave a sigh. Bofur grinned and looked from Bombur to Bilbo, "Sorry 'bout that. Got a bit lost there."

Bilbo smiled and nodded, "Don't worry about it." He removed his hand and shuffled a bit, "I found a clearing full of fireflies and had to share with someone." he gestured faintly over his shoulder.

Bofur's grin seemed even brighter as he pulled himself standing, "Well then you'd better show me."

-

After that night Bilbo had a hard time not watching Bofur.

Any time the dwarf stared a little too long in one direction, or held himself a bit too still upon his pony Bilbo would pull up beside him and ask him questions, distracting Bofur from whatever was on his mind.

It wasn't long before it was just assumed by the rest of the company that Bilbo would handle it whenever Bofur had one of his moments; Bombur and Bifur both stepped aside and let Bilbo talk their kin out of his thoughts. When Bilbo had finally gotten the opportunity to ask the two dwarves about it Bifur had given a derisive snort and Bombur had shrugged, smiling slightly when he said, "Bofur likes you. Enough that he usually finds you more distracting than whatever he was zoning on."

Bifur said something in the gruff language he preferred and clapped Bilbo roughly on the back and sauntered away, seeming to be in a cheerful mood if Bombur's amused expression was anything to go by. Bilbo watched them exchange hand gestures as they moved ahead of him, sighing at the first drops of rain to fall against the bridge of his nose and urging his feet onward.

 

II

"What's it like?" Bilbo asked softly. Bofur turned slightly, eyes moving from the darkness surrounding their camp to acknowledge Bilbo, "Having strong senses." Bilbo clarified.

Bofur leaned back on his hands, watching Bilbo pick at the grass growing in front of his crossed legs and ignoring the sting of stones pressing into his palm. He gave a thoughtful hum and stretched his legs, "Well, whassit like having dull senses?" He chuckled when he received an exasperated squint from his small friend. Bofur shrugged, "It just is. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, but I can't really remember what it was like before my senses grew so I'm not sure how t' answer yer question."

"You didn't always have them?"

"Nah, they came with the growth spurt when I was 33." 

"Well..." Bilbo began, wondering what to ask to help him understand. He sighed, "When you zone out, how does it happen?"

Bofur was silent for quite a while before he finally spoke, "Sometimes it's like my senses have been jolted. Like when you drink strong tea late in the day and then you can't sleep. Sometimes they start and they won't turn off. If that..." he trailed off, "Oh! I know. Y'know when ye get dressed in the mornin' and you can feel the new cloth on your skin for a little while and then the itch kinda fades away and you stop noticing the feel of yer trousers against yer leg?" Bilbo nodded, "It's like that but sometimes I can't stop noticing."

"Oh."

"And so you focus on that feeling, hoping you can control it and make it stop. The next thing you know ye've been staring into the distance for an hour thinking about nothing but the feel of wool on your skin."

Bilbo gripped Bofur's shoulder and smiled in an apologetic way, as if it was his fault. Bofur grinned, "It's not so bad. Plus, for every time I zone out on something unpleasant I've also focused too long and hard on something good." He gave the hobbit an exaggerated wink, laughing heartily at Bilbo's blush and accidentally waking the dwarves sleeping nearest to where they were keeping watch.

They hushed themselves and waited for the chorus of snoring to reach its previous numbers before they returned to their conversation.

 

III

It had never occurred to Bilbo that Bofur might zone out while concentrating on him.

The day had been unusually warm and Bilbo had spent most of their time walking with the top buttons of his shirt open and his skin uncomfortably sticky with sweat. Bofur had been resting his legs, seated against a warm rock with a look of concentration and his face raised into the air. Bilbo had barely thought about it before he was plopping down next to the dwarf, ready to distract him if he got too carried away. He startled in surprise when Bofur was suddenly burying his nose into the folds of cloth covering Bilbo's shoulder.

Bilbo could feel the hot flush of embarrassment spread across his face and ears as he listened to Bofur's deep breaths. Bilbo opened his mouth as if to speak, shut it and then opened it again. He let his mouth hang open as he scrambled for a solution. 

Bilbo closed his mouth and gave an irritated sigh through his nose. He sat there, uncomfortably still in his uncertainty and watched the rest of the company, wondering if he should call for Bombur. He shrugged against the weight at his side, "If I need a bath you could've just said so."

Bilbo felt the sharp breath of Bofur's snort through the linen of his shirt and stiffened slightly when Bofur sighed and pulled back a few inches from him. Bilbo forced his shoulders into a relaxed position when he saw the abashed look upon his friend's face. He smiled softly and caught Bofur's eye, "You alright?"

Bofur moved a further inch away and took a deep breath, "Aye." He closed his eyes and pinched at the bridge of his nose, shaking his head slightly he took another breath in, "Sorry about the..." he gestured faintly to Bilbo's shoulder, "... thing."

Bilbo tried not to gape, he had never seen the cheerful dwarf so hesitant around him. Bilbo grinned, "No problem. But really, do I need to take a bath?"

Bofur laughed, easing back into his seat beside Bilbo and shook his head, "No no, ye smell fine."

Bilbo scratched his fingers through his hair where the sun was beating an itch into his skull and watched other members of the company begin to stand to resume their walking, "Well give it time, the sun is hot and the day is still young."

Bofur returned his grin and Bilbo decided not to comment on the eager light in his eyes.

 

IV

Bombur had been right about Bofur's ability to stay focused when confronted with a goal. Once the company left Rivendell and found themselves almost constantly running from danger Bofur's zoning stopped altogether and stayed mostly under control while they stayed in Beorn's hall.

The few times Bofur had been focused on one sense to the point of zoning had been when Bilbo had dragged him walking through the fields of wild flowers and around the hives full of honey. It had been simple enough for Bilbo to grasp one of Bofur's hands and drag him out of his head to continue their walk.

 

V

One of the first things Bofur said about Mirkwood was that it smelled like death. They had barely passed into the tree line when Bofur's nose wrinkled, brows furrowing and he explained, "It's not the natural smell of death like you get when the leaves turn brown and the cold moves in. It's a rotten and dangerous smell."

They could all smell the oddly not-right odour of the forest, their noses feeling sticky with the sick scent. They had all shared a moment of pity for Bofur's heightened sense before accepting that there was nothing to be done and moving on. Bilbo had done his best to keep his friend's spirits up while they moved deeper into the thick forest and Bofur did his best to breath through his mouth.

When they made camp later that night Bilbo didn't even question the dwarf when he kept his face pressed to Bilbo's neck and zoned out on the familiar scent for a half hour before falling asleep. After that it became habit for Bofur to sleep beside Bilbo through Mirkwood and for Bilbo to keep near during the nights spent in the elf king's dungeon.

And really neither of them had seen any reason to break the habit once they reached lake town, though it might be more accurate to say that it hadn't actually occurred to them at all.


	2. Like a dog (without mange)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/M, Rating: Explicit  
> Bilbo shouldn't be surprised by how hairy dwarves are but he is. And then he's curious.  
> (The obligatory bathing in the river sex fic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just 6 pages of hair porn. Kind of.

Bofur moved quickly into the river, not giving himself time to dwell on the cold. When the water reached his stomach he took a deep breath and dunked down beneath, wedge of soap held carefully in his hand. He popped up, hair clinging to his face as he unbound his braids and then dunked back under. Hair loose and slicked back against his head he began scrubbing himself down. His eyes wandered idly as he rubbed the soap into a sudsy foam across his chest. They landed on Bilbo.

The hobbit was doing the same as Bofur though in a much more nervous manner. Bofur watched as Bilbo's eyes glanced first to where Fili and Kili were shouting and splashing through the water, then back down to the water in front of himself. Then they'd glance over to the brother's Ri and then back down. He watched Bilbo give a little huff and dunk beneath the water, a cloud of soap bubbles floating up as an indicative marker of where the hobbit was hiding.

Bofur scrubbed the soap wedge into his hair as he watched, waiting for the hobbit to re-emerge. When he did rise out of the water he glanced to Bofur, looked away, and then glanced back and started laughing.

Bofur waded through the water toward the hobbit and crossed his arms, "And what's so funny?"

Bilbo smiled and shook his head, "You look ridiculous with all that hair covered in soap."

Bofur pushed the slippery strands onto the top of his head in a giant sudsy mound. He grinned at the chuckle Bilbo gave before rinsing his hair. He pushed the hair from his eyes, frowning at Bilbo's returned silence, "Somethin' wrong?" He asked.

"No." Bilbo said, ducking into the water to his shoulders.

"Ye look concerned." Bofur said, grinning when Bilbo ducked lower into the water and blew a stream of bubbles in what appeared to be frustration.

Bilbo glared faintly before succumbing to Bofur's exaggerated frown, "You're all so hairy."

Bofur guffawed in surprise, "I believe that's a well established fact about dwarves. Every kid in Middle-earth learns dwarves as 'those short hairy blokes'."

Bilbo shook his head, "They talk about your beards and how much pride you take in your hair, But I'm fairly certain they never mentioned the fur everywhere else."

Bofur glanced down to his own chest and cocked an eyebrow, "I'm thinking "fur" is a bit much, don't you?"

Bilbo snorted inelegantly, "we have dogs in the Shire with less hair than you."

"I saw which dog yer talkin' about; it doesn't count if they have mange." Bofur said, wading over to sit down in the shallows beside the hobbit, "Yer not entirely hairless either, y'know. Ye've got no room to be offended."

"No, no. I'm not. More curious than anything."

Bofur's mouth dropped slightly with surprise, though he covered it quickly with a grin, "Curious, eh?" he laughed, "Why mister Baggins I had no idea..."

"No." Bilbo said sternly, finger pointed sharply toward Bofur in that way it tended to do, "No." he emphasized.

"Well," Bofur said, "If you ever find your curiosity..." what was the word? "unsated," he decided, "let me know." He stood to stretch, feeling a bit ridiculous but enjoying the embarrassed flush growing across the hobbit's face. 

He ran a hand through his hair and shook the waves out as he wandered out of the water, forcing himself not to look back toward his friend and searching instead for a sunny spot to rest as he dried. 

Bofur settled into a patch of soft moss and clover, stretched his arms to the sun and let them settle above his head as he let his eyes slip closed. They hadn't had much chance to enjoy something simple like a nap in the sun and Bofur was dead set on seizing the opportunity.

The heat of the sun and the buzz of the late summer insects made Bofur's head feel heavy against the moss. He didn't think he could sit up if he had wanted to. He smiled, lazy and loose, and slipped into sleep.

-

Bofur's eyes eventually slid back open to find the sun low on the horizon and a half naked hobbit seated beside him. Bofur rolled onto his side and propped his head in his hand, "That was quick. Curiosity kills cats you know."

Bilbo groaned, "So I've heard." He held up the cloth covering his lap, eyes not leaving the fabric as he answered, "I'm mending a tear. Not curious at all." he gave Bofur a wry smile, "Also thought you would like to know we're making camp nearby."

"Ah good. Didn't feel like getting into damp clothes and walking."

"Would've chafed." Bilbo added absently.

"Exactly." Bofur gave a sharp nod of agreement, "Besides, I'm enjoying the lay about."

"You're not the only one. Half the company fell asleep after cleaning up. I think that's the real reason we're making camp. Thorin doesn't want to get told off by a cohort of half-asleep dwarves."

Bofur gave a snort of amusement at the thought and rolled onto his back, stretching out over the soft moss with a sigh. It was really quite comfortable. "I really never want to stand again." he groaned. He settled his gaze on the red sky above, not focusing enough to see the brightest stars peeking through early. He glanced to the Hobbit, not really surprised to see Bilbo's eyes trailing over his chest. He watched, fairly amused, as Bilbo's eyes continued downward, paused, and then pointedly looked away. 

Well this was just getting ridiculous. 

He wasn't entirely sure he understood the Hobbit's interest, but he didn't think he was misinterpreting Bilbo's gaze. He smiled softly and did his best to seem reassuring, "Did ye want to touch it?"

"What!?" Bilbo cried, glancing around nervously as his face darkened pink.

"My hair. I really don't mind." Bilbo, if anything, seemed to relax slightly. Well wasn't that interesting? Bofur grinned, "What did ye think I was talkin' about?"

"Exactly what you said." Bilbo said primly before eyeing Bofur slowly, as if searching for the joke. Bofur nodded pointedly to Bilbo's hand. Bilbo frowned, "Are you sure?"

"Of course." He winked and gave an encouraging nod when Bilbo lifted his hand. When Bilbo hesitated, hand hovering several inches above Bofur's sternum Bofur latched his hand around Bilbo's wrist and pulled his fingers to his chest. He felt Bilbo's hand pull into a fist, nails scraping this skin as he attempted to take a handful of the soft hair. 

Bofur swallowed. Audibly. That felt... surprisingly nice. 

He shifted his shoulders and gave another nod to continue. Bilbo tugged and Bofur stifled a groan. He worried briefly about his nudity when he felt the beginnings of arousal itching at his thighs but ultimately decided the reaction probably wouldn't be offensive. All things considered. 

Bilbo hummed from above him. He had shuffled closer to sit on his knees facing Bofur's sprawled form. His fingers slid slowly down Bofur's chest, nails lightly tracing the skin beneath causing Bofur's skin to break out in goosebumps at the barely there sensation. The hand trailed back up to where Bofur's skin had started to itch with the sensation of hair laying in directions it wasn't accustomed to. Bilbo's face was held in a fierce look of concentration while his mouth was held slightly open, lips shiny in the evening sun. 

Bofur let his eyes slide shut, determined not to stare at the hobbit for too long lest he embarrass himself. He kept resolutely still as the fingers crept along to his stomach, ignoring the ticklish chill as Bilbo twisted his fingers through the thick line down the centre of his torso. Bofur took a deep breath, pleased to see that Bilbo was clearly becoming more comfortable with the situation, though he seemed unwilling to let his fingers move past Bofur's navel. Which Bofur was quite grateful for since he was still quite naked and becoming increasingly aroused by the entire situation.

Bofur startled when a hand moved to the hair beneath his arm and he could not contain the laughter that burst forth in response. 

Bilbo hands leapt away from Bofur to wave frantically, "I'm sorry!" he blurted in apology, "I just wanted to know if it felt different than the rest."

Bofur grabbed at one of the flailing hands as his giggling slowed, "It's fine, just give a lad a little warning before you mix it up." He took a steadying breath that stuttered on another laugh at the exhale. When his breathing had evened out he spread his hands in what he hoped was a clear gesture of welcome.

Bilbo smiled, hands returning to press against the dip below his ribs, "You really don't mind this?" He asked. 

Bofur hummed, "It's quite nice, really. It's a bit unusual; another dwarf would not have given it a second thought." He flushed lightly as he watched Bilbo's eyes flicker down his body. When Bilbo looked back to his face he shrugged. What can you do? 

Bilbo looked like he was trying not to smile as he looked away to watch his fingers. Which were sliding lower. And lower. Bofur groaned as Bilbo's fingers slid into the wiry curls at his groin, scratching at the sensitive skin there and causing the nerves in his lower stomach to tighten and flutter. "Fine?" Bilbo asked.

"Yes." Bofur hissed.

Bilbo twisted the curls between his thumb and forefinger, letting go to watch them slowly unravel back into their place. He pulled back, "Thank you Bofur, I think my curiosity had been satisfied."

Bofur opened his eyes in a flash of panic before seeing the grin on Bilbo's face and bursting into pleased laughter, "Oh, you little fox." He grabbed The hobbit by the shoulders and pulled him down to sprawl across Bofur. They both grinned. 

Bilbo pressed lightly into a kiss, hands spreading once more across Bofur's chest through the hair to drag across a nipple. Bilbo pulled back, "Pierced?" he asked to which Bofur only winked. He shook his head, "Dwarves."

Bofur snorted and pressed his lips back to the hobbit's, Hands sliding against his back as Bilbo pinched his fingers over the smooth metal bolts. He thrust lazily against Bilbo's thigh, delighting in the way it made the little hobbit shiver as Bofur's stomach clenched against his prick. 

Bilbo moved his hand to Bofur's face, thumb running along the stubble of his cheek before tugging at the ends of his mustache, tongue delving forward when Bofur's mouth opened in a moan.

Bilbo pushed himself up onto his hands and shifted so that his prick aligned with Bofur's before letting himself lay back down to thrust against thick hair and hot skin. 

With the new position their faces didn't quite meet as easily and Bilbo began trailing his tongue along the dip between Bofur's collar bones and down his sternum. He quickly gave it up, forehead thunking against Bofur's chest as his hips stuttered and thrust.

Bofur tightened his arms around the hobbit and groaned out Bilbo's name.

Bilbo huffed, "I'm going to have beard burn everywhere." Which really just prompted another round of breathy laughter from the both of them.

Bofur rolled the two of them over, taking advantage of the change to finally get his mouth on the hobbit's neck and shoulders. Bilbo squirmed beneath him as he moved up his neck and beneath his jaw, stilling suddenly when Bofur bit at the lobe of his ear. Bofur hummed around the soft flesh, quite pleased to find he was right about the hobbit's sensitive ears. He trailed his tongue along the outer curve and dipped into the pointed tip.

Bofur lingered on Bilbo's ears until he had received a long moan for his efforts and then moved back down his neck and chest. He propped his chin against his sternum and rubbed the bristly hairs of his beard against the few curls of hair that Bilbo had growing there. He continued in this manner until he reached the soft stomach, leaving Bilbo's chest flushed bright red. 

Bilbo snorted, as if the evidence of how much he was enjoying himself hadn't just jerked against Bofur's stomach. Bofur just bit lightly at the soft swell of the hobbit's belly in retaliation. He listened for the hitch of breath as he trailed lower to press his face into the crease where thigh met hip and groin.

Bilbo sighed, "I can't decide whether to laugh or moan." 

Bofur grinned, completely aware of the way it made the ends of his moustache drag across sensitive flesh. Pleased by the way Bilbo squirmed Bofur moved and easily enveloped Bilbo in his mouth, the laugh quickly smothered by a low curse. Bofur hummed, tongue sliding up and around the hot flesh, sucking around the intrusion before flicking his tongue back and forth over the head. He ran his hands down Bilbo's thighs to still the restless flexing and down to his calves and ankles where he could feel the muscles tighten as Bilbo curled his toes.

Soft hands grabbed roughly at his head as Bofur bobbed and sucked. If Bilbo's half moaned words were anything to go by Bofur didn't think anyone had done this for the hobbit, and really that just inspired him to try all the harder. He moved his right hand from Bilbo's knee to lightly stroke his stones and press against the skin behind them.

He swallowed instinctively at the first taste of salt at the back of his throat, but quickly gave up in favor of running his tongue along the underside while the hobbit came, letting the excess spunk leak out of the corners of his mouth and into the clover beneath them.

Bofur pulled away to appraise the hobbit, who lay sprawled on the moss with an expression of surprise written across his face.

Bofur flexed his jaw and crawled to flop down at Bilbo's side, ignoring his own erection bobbing between his legs.

Bilbo hummed happily and rolled over to face Bofur, soft hand wrapping firmly around his still aching prick and stroking leisurely, fingers exploring just as thoroughly as they had earlier across the rest of Bofur's body.

Bofur fought to catch his breath as Bilbo's fingers slowly left him mad. It was like a sweet torture, but if he sped at all it would be over in only a moment. Bofur's hands clenched to pull up a handful of soft moss and earth when Bilbo twisted his wrist to slide his palm over the head and down the length, tightening as he pulled back up and then down again. 

Even at the slow pace it wasn't long at all before he could feel his orgasm coiling hot and heavy in his gut, stones tight to his body by the time Bilbo ran his fingers down and around the soft skin.

Another few faster strokes and the solid press of a thumb circling the head had Bofur arching off the ground and chocking on an audible exhale as he came in the hobbit's hand.

-

The sky was the hazy blue black that meant the sun had finally moved well past the horizon and that dark was almost upon them when Bofur opened his eyes. He shifted beneath the weight of Bilbo's arm, "Did I fall asleep?"

"Mmhmm, y'did." Bilbo mumbled from where his face was pressed into Bofur's side.

Bofur hummed and wrapped an arm around the hobbit's shoulders, "Are we still clean?"

"Wiped us down with some of the moss you tore up."

"Huh." Bofur said, "Guess it's not the worst thing I've been wiped down with."

Bilbo huffed with amusement. He pulled himself upright with a groan, "We should probably head back to the others. I'm sure Bombur will have made something to eat by now."

"And possibly finished it off himself." Bofur grumbled from where he was still refusing to sit up.

Bilbo slapped him lightly on the shoulder, "Come on."

"Hnnng." Bofur said as he made a great show of getting to his feet. He frowned at the hair hanging in his face and held up a hand, "Hold up, gotta get me hair in order. Not proper to run around with it all loose and whatnot." 

Bilbo stood silently to the side as Bofur quickly threw his hair into the rough braids he kept. He frowned when Bofur gave him a "ta-da" gesture, "Where's your hat?"

Bofur shrugged, "Drying with the rest of my clothes. Didn't think I would wash that too? Bein' honest it gets pretty foul in the summer." Bilbo nodded. Left hand playing with the fingers of his right and looking like he had more to ask. Bofur just smiled and waited.

"This isn't a one time thing is it?"

Bofur felt his stomach flip at the question and smiled warmly at the hobbit, "Not if ye don't want it to be."

"Good." Bilbo said, looking genuinely pleased with the answer, "I'm still curious."

Bofur laughed and swung an arm around Bilbo's shoulders, steering him toward where the camp-fire was flickering through the trees, "I'm thinkin' that's not an uncommon thing for you."

"No, no I suppose it's not." Bilbo said, grin fighting to stretch his face as he slipped out of Bofur's grasp and sauntered into camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned next time for a fem-slash friday.


	3. Gossip Fodder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> F/F, Rating: Explicit  
> After listening to her cousins gossip all night Bilba finds herself impulsively taking a strange dwarf home with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it's not Friday. Because my writing rarely goes along with my plans. But y'know what, Sundays suck and if ever there was a day you deserved to read fanfiction it would be a Sunday. So happy Sunday; have some lady porn.

The pub is a chorus of shouting and laughter, but through it all Bilba can still hear the conversation to her right that she is trying just so hard not to listen to. Bilba generally doesn't care about the gossip her cousins spew around their drinks when they get together to catch up. But tonight is different. Tonight there are dwarves in the bar and her cousins are being crude in a way they never would be outside their small group of women.

"I heard they're twice as long as a hobbit's." Lobelia said.

"They must be thicker too then, right?" Daisy asked.

"Where on earth would you have heard that?" Bilba asked, looking away from her cousins in an attempt to distance herself in some way.

While Lobelia went on to explain exactly who told her and where Regina had in turn heard the rumour Bilba's eyes landed inevitably on the Dwarf seated at the Bar. He wasn't exactly what Bilba had expected from a dwarf. His beard was cut short against his chin and hair only pulled into messy shoulder length braids. The hat he wore atop his head was rather funny, ear flaps sticking out to the side as if gravity were a thing that only happened to other people. He was really quite sweet looking, eyes moving slowly around the room as he kept his own company; the rest of his travelling companions huddled around a table in the back corner.

Bilba startled when the dwarf's eyes caught hers, eyes crinkling in a friendly smile that made Bilba turn and smile at the table-top.

"You know it's said that they have great stamina." Matilda added, quite pleased with herself going by the silly smirk on her face. Bilba nodded faintly at that. That at least was an established fact documented in many accounts of the racial histories of middle earth.

"D'you think a dwarf and a hobbit could...?" Daisy trailed off.

Lobelia huffed, "They'd not likely be interested."

"Would it even fit?" Matilda wondered aloud.

Bilba groaned, propping her chin against a hand and slumping her shoulders in defeat, "I highly doubt it's any different; they're barely much larger than we are." She tuned out her cousins loud denials and looked back to the dwarf in the funny hat, only mildly surprised to find him frowning in their direction. They had gotten rather loud. She nodded her head slightly behind her and rolled her eyes.

The dwarf gave an amused shake of the head before returning to his ale.

"What if they're..." Matilda gestured vaguely, "What if they're completely different."

Oh for pete's sake. "Well I've had about enough of this." Bilba said, making her mind up and standing to leave for the bar. Her cousins were silent behind her until she was far enough away that if they had returned to their conversation Bilba wouldn't have been able to hear it. She slid easily into the worn stool beside the dwarf and ordered a glass of wine for herself. She didn't move or speak until the bartender had brought her drink and she'd taken a heavy sip for courage.

When she turned to say hello she found the dwarf had already turned in his seat to look at her with a raised brow. Bilba smiled, "Hello. I hope you don't mind, I was getting rather tired of my cousins." They both turned to look at the table she had just left where all three of her cousins were staring at them. Oh, they were going to give her hell for this next week.

The dwarf laughed and glanced toward the table at the back, "Aye, I know the feeling." Bilba was pleased to find the voice smoother than she had anticipated, "Bofur, at yer service."

"Bilba, at yours." She nodded to her cousins, "The drink makes horrible gossips of the lot."

"My lot just gets violent and vulgar."

Bilba smiled, "In my experience most gossip is vulgar."

Bofur grinned, "So what's on their minds this night?"

"I really shouldn't say." Bilba said, taking a sip of her wine and shaking her head. "They're being shockingly rude tonight." 

Bofur lifted his cup and shook it faintly, "I've had four o' these already, I'm thinkin' I can take it."

Bilba considered the dwarf. His cheeks were rather flushed. And he did look quite curious. It was the numerous laugh lines across his face that settled it. Bilba sighed, "So how big is your penis?"

Bofur blinked in faint surprise before bursting into laughter, collapsing into his crossed arms on the bar and hiding his face as he continued to laugh with his entire body. Bilba was fairly certain this was a good reaction to get from such a blunt question. "Oh... I'm sorry luv." Bofur groaned between his slowing bursts of laughter. He sat up and wiped at the tears in his eyes, "but I haven't got one of those."

Oh. "Oh." Bilba frowned. She had read that dwarf women had beards as well as the men, but she hadn't ever expected to meet one. Though a closer look at Bofur's upturned nose and soft bright eyes and it rather made sense. 

"I mean," Bofur continued, "I can give you a rough average if ye really need to know." She held her hands up to demonstrate what Bilba assumed was supposed to be a size estimate. 

Bilba looked back to her cousins' table to find them openly gaping at them now. Bilba realized they could probably see Bofur's hands and to be fair, they were a bit farther apart than Bilba would've expected. She grabbed at Bofur's hand and pulled them back down to the table with a laugh, "Careful, don't want to shock anyone."

Bofur glanced over her shoulder and grinned at Bilba's cousins. She gave them a cheerful wave and took a swig of ale, "Good thing ye don't seem like the shock-able type."

"Not generally, no."

"Mind if I try?" Bofur asked, giving her another bright grin.

Bilba froze, was she flirting with her? It wasn't at all the kind of thing the few men she had flirted with would have said. Bilba considered the crooked smile and bright eyes, searching her face for her intent. She downed the wine, "No?"

Bofur seemed delighted, "Ye wanna get out of here?"

Bilba didn't hesitate, "Yes."

Bofur grinned brightly, tossed back the last of her ale and stood to hold her arm out for the hobbit.

Bilba stood and slipped her arm through Bofur's, staring at her feet as they left to keep herself from peeking at her cousins. Though their expressions would surely be amusing she didn't want to seem as if she was gloating. Or egging them on. Really she just didn't want to draw any more gossip than she already had.

The cool night air hit her hot face like a slap and Bilba suddenly had a moment of nervous fear. What was she doing? The air seemed to have had the same effect on Bofur when Bilba looked up to see her frowning faintly. Bofur sighed, "I suppose I should have asked where we were going before I dragged you out here. I've a room in the inn if ye'd prefer."

Bilba looked back at the door, not really thrilled at the prospect of walking back through the pub and making their destination so plain to the rest of the room. She shook her head, "No it's fine, I live alone." She tugged at Bofur's arm, "It's just down the road this way."

Bofur nodded and followed, "Yer certainly daring for a hobbit, dragging a stranger to yer house."

"I don't think so." Bilba said simply.

"I do. Never woulda expected it."

"Have you know many hobbits then?" Bilba asked with a small smile, not entirely sure which definition for "known" she was implying.

Bofur laughed, "Fair enough."

"Hobbits are fond of the simple pleasures in life. And while we may not advertise it to outsiders that certainly includes sex." 

Bofur seemed surprised by Bilba's frankness. She grinned, "Good t'see we're both on the same page. Never can tell fer sure through all the public niceties. Never know when there's been some kind of cultural misunderstandin'."

Bilba nodded, "Well I did ask you about your penis, I think we started on a pretty clear note."

Bofur laughed, "Why were they talking about that, again?" She asked.

"I guess when they saw a group of dwarves were in town all the rumours they had heard came rushing to the forefront of their minds." She stopped to wave at the front path up to bag-end, "Up this way."

Bofur followed slowly, staring up at the large hill, "Is it as large on the inside as the outside?" Bilba nodded. "And ye live alone?"

"I inherited it when my parents passed away. Baggins' usually have many children so it's quite large after many extensions."

Bofur frowned, "Don't ye get lonely?"

Bilba shrugged it off and pushed the door open, waving her hand to welcome Bofur in first. Bofur looked around and gave a low whistle of appreciation, sliding her hand down the nearest rounded wall, "Impressive."

"Can I get you anything? Tea, biscuit?" Bilba asked as she hung her coat on the hook.

Bofur did the same and shook her head with a laugh, "Now I know how ye hobbits can be but eating food isn't usually foreplay for dwarves." 

Bilba flushed, "Sorry, of course. Never really done this before."

Bofur paused before wrapping her hands around Bilba's shoulders and pulled her against her chest. Bilba startled slightly when a finger pressed her head up and Bofur pulled her into a whiskery kiss. She was fairly proud of herself when she held in the rising laugh at the sensation. While Bilba had certainly been kissed before facial hair was rare even among the men of hobbiton and the feel of Bofur's moustache was completely new. She attempted to wiggle her nose, thrilled at the feel of the coarse hair rubbing against her upper lip. She didn't bother to suppress the second laugh.

Bofur grinned at the response, plunging forward to take advantage of the opportunity when Bilba's mouth opened in surprise after finding her lips pressed to crooked teeth. 

Bilba groaned as Bofur's tongue pressed against hers before darting away to bite at her lower lip. She pushed away, Grabbed Bofur's hand and began marching purposely through the halls and toward the bedroom. Bofur seemed dazed by the journey, laughing when the bedroom door finally was shut behind her, "You'll definitely be escorting me out tomorrow or I'll be lost in yer home for days."

Bilba smiled and began unbuttoning the brass buttons of her vest, "I'm sure there are worse companions to have trapped in my home."

Bofur hummed and moved closer. She slipped her fingers beneath the shoulder straps of Bilba's dress and pushed them down her arms easily, the green wool pooling on the floor and leaving Bilba standing in just her under-shirt and shorts. She flapped her arms faintly in Bofur's direction, "Well?"

Bofur huffed, "Charming." and then promptly wrapped her arms around the hobbit and deposited her easily onto the bed. She kicked her boots off, pulled her shirt and pants away and tossed them aside to climb over Bilba and onto the bed.

Bilba eyed the funny one piece shirt and leggings the dwarf wore, lifting a hand to press against the surprisingly flat chest and eliciting a loud bark of laughter from Bofur. "I bind them with linen, makes it easier to travel. Don't be worrying, they're fine." She shifted to straddle Bilba and unbuttoned the top of her undergarment, slipped her arms through the sleeves and let them hang down around her waist. Bilba snorted when Bofur flexed her arms and winked before reaching back to start unwinding the cloth around her chest. "Now what about you?" Bofur asked.

Bilba huffed and wriggled out of her loose shirt, flushing as the other woman's eyes trailed down her bare chest. Bilba took the moment to return the appraisal. Bofur's torso was a bit thicker than hers, arms more obviously muscled and a trail of dark hair leading from beneath the linen wraps and down into her trousers. Bilba slipped her fingers into the hair and across Bofur's hips, fingers feeling oddly delicate against the warm and solid abdomen.

Bofur hesitated, just a couple of seconds, before tugging the last of the cloth from her chest and tossing it onto the pile of her over-clothes.

Bilba hummed, hands moving to cup the soft flesh and scratch through the trail of hair starting between them. They were rather smaller than her own, though she wasn't terribly surprised. She squirmed when Bofur's larger hands fell to her stomach, the rough texture of her fingers causing her skin to break out in ticklish goose bumps. She grabbed one of the hands with her own and pulled it closer to her eye-line, index finger trailing over the rough callouses along her palms and fingers. "What do you do, Bofur?"

Bofur shrugged and leaned forward to press a kiss against her lips, "A bit of this," she pressed another kiss to Bilba's sternum, "A bit of that." She ran her left thumb faintly over the swell of Bilba's breast, callous catching at her nipple and making Bilba hiss between her teeth. Bofur smiled, "I just take whatever jobs I can get. Sometimes I work in the mines. Sometimes I help my cousin make toys. Right now I help guard a trading caravan." She shrugged and pinched her fingers around the pink flesh. She hummed, "You?"

Bilba flushed, "Nothing, really." She trailed her hands up Bofur's arms, resting them on her shoulders and marvelling at the feel of hard muscle beneath the skin, "I mostly just stay at home and read my books."

Bofur's eyebrows disappeared behind her messy bangs, "Whooo, posh. What's a lady like you doing with a tramp like me?" She asked.

Bilba huffed, "Don't start."

"Of course, m'lady." Bofur laughed as Bilba pulled her down into a kiss to keep her from continuing the joke. Bofur hummed a tune Bilba had never heard against her lips and slipped her hands beneath the drawstring of Bilba's shorts and down, dragging the linen with them across her thighs and over her knees. Bofur slid her hands back up and across her stomach as Bilba kicked the cloth off of her ankles.

Bilba could feel Bofur's humming turn to a groan against her lips as she tugged at the thick dark hair at the nape of the dwarf's neck. 

Bilba gave another sharp pull, tongue delving past Bofur's lips when they opened in a surprised breath to slide along Bofur's tongue and along the backs of her teeth. She grinned when she felt fingers brushing at her ears and sliding into her hair, the stretch of a smile making it difficult to do much more than bite at the dwarf's lips. 

Bofur pulled away to bury her face in the crook of Bilba's neck, biting and sucking lightly at the smooth skin while she trailed her hand back down to scrape her fingers through the hair between the hobbit's thighs. Bilba sighed happily while Bofur cursed in appreciation, "You're soft absolutely everywhere, aren't ye?" 

Bilba's breath stuttered as Bofur trailed her first two fingers along the seam of her entrance, nerves fluttering wildly at the sensation. She barely had the thought before her thighs were opening just slightly wider and Bofur's fingers were stroking with just slightly more pressure. Bilba groaned as Bofur spread the gathering moisture through the curls before pressing one finger up and in, then sliding back out to circle her clit slowly. So slowly. And then stopped to run her hands back over Bilba's thighs.

Bilba groaned, "All those smiles. I should've known you'd be a horrible tease."

Bofur grinned and shrugged, "Apologies, m'lady."

Bilba didn't have time to give another exasperated groan before Bofur's fingers had returned to press into her cleft and she was gasping around a surprised moan as the thick fingers rubbed insistently at the soft inner walls. She pressed her fingers up, fingers tapping relentlessly in a way that had Bilba's thighs pulling in against Bofur's forearm and stomach clenching. In a display of surprising dexterity Bofur moved her thumb to rub circles over the nub of Bilba's sex without slowing the pressure of the first two fingers and began kissing her way across the hobbit's clavicle and sternum.

Another moment and the gentle pressure of teeth around her breast had Bilba coming with a sharp cry.

Bofur just continued, drawing her orgasm out until Bilba smacked her shoulder to put an end to the over-stimulation. Bilba sighed as Bofur rolled over to lay beside her in the small bed. Bilba caught her breath and smiled, "You said you wouldn't be able to find your way out? I may not let you leave."

Bofur grinned. Bilba rolled over to slide a hand along the dwarf's stomach and beneath the rough leggings she wore. Bofur spoke up, "You don't ha-" only to be cut off by Bilba's hand pressed to her mouth.

"Quiet." Bilba muttered, slender fingers pushing through the thick curls to stroke over the fold of skin over phallus. She glanced up when she felt the vibration of a groan against her palm and smirked at the flushed face beneath her left hand before moving the fingers of her right in another downward stroke. 

The flesh beneath her fingers was rather bigger than her own though not unpleasantly so. She swiped the pad of a finger over the nub at the tip but stopped when she felt the dwarf hiss against her palm. Bilba removed her hand from the dwarf's mouth and replaced it with her lips in an apologetic kiss. She shifted her fingers back to either side and continued with steady vertical strokes, Bofur's hips flexing beneath her forearm as rough hands bracketed her face and deepened the kiss. 

It took surprisingly little time before Bofur was arching beneath Bilba's hands and moaning into her mouth. Bilba pulled back to look down at the larger woman, the bright flush across Bofur's cheeks and nose making her seem younger than Bilba had assumed. Bilba slipped her hand from beneath Bofur's trousers, running her thumb over the slick residue in consideration before popping her fingers into her mouth.

Bofur gave a breathy laugh and shook her head, "And thus she continues to surprise me." she muttered. Bilba smiled and laid back down, pulling a quilt over them before resting her head on Bofur's chest and throwing her right arm over her stomach. "Am I staying the night then?" Bofur asked.

Bilba snorted, "Of course. My bed is far nicer than any at the inn."

Bofur wrapped an arm around Bilba's waist, "The company is preferable to be sure." she ran her finger's over Bilba's stomach while she hesitated over the next sentence. She gave a huff, "I'm going to be travelling back through in a couple of months. Would it be rude of me to skip the inn entirely and come straight here?"

"Depends, do you hog the blankets?"

"No?"

"Bofur." Bilba pressed a kiss to the dwarf's shoulder, "You are welcome any time."

Bofur tightened her arms and pulled the quilt tighter over them. The room was silent for several moments. "What if I do hog the blankets?"

"Doesn't matter. Go to sleep."

II

In the end Bilba's cousin's didn't wait the week till their next get together to assault her with questions. They didn't make it a full day. In fact, they showed up at Bilba's doorstep just as she was setting out breakfast for Bofur and herself. When she had answered the door they hadn't even considered her protests before barging into her home with questions tripping over their lips and feet leading them directly to the dining room expecting tea.

They found instead a dwarf with a mouth full of bread and honey.

Bilba's shoulders slumped. This certainly didn't look good. She glared at the backs of her cousins.

Bofur of course just smiled around her breakfast, swallowing before rising to give the women a bow. “Good morning. You must be Ms. Baggins' cousins.” She rose and patted herself on the chest, “Bofur.”

Lobelia stepped forward, back straight and gestured to the others, “I'm Lobelia, this is Matilda, and this is Daisy.”

Bofur gave them each a nod in turn. “A pleasure to meet you. Your cousin is quite the life saver. My friends were becoming unpleasant and I wasn't looking forward to spending the night sharing a room with them.” Bilba looked up to frown at Bofur over her cousin's shoulders. Bofur shrugged, “I'm sure you know how men get when they drink too much. Bilba was very understanding of my plight and mentioned that she had plenty of spare rooms I could use.” Bilba couldn't keep the smile from her face as the dwarf continued. “She even made me breakfast. You hobbits are excellent hosts.”

Bilba laughed, “Just don't go telling everyone. I don't want every passing dwarf knocking on my door looking for a free place to stay.”

“Of course.” Bofur glanced toward the window where the sun was now shining bright, fully above the horizon, “I should be off.”

“I'll show you out.” Bilba said, nodding to her cousins and gesturing to the table, “Help yourselves to breakfast.”

Bofur shuffled around the surprised looking hobbits and followed after Bilba, grabbing her hat as they passed through the entrance hall and pulling it onto her head.

Bilba paused with her hand on the door knob, “Thank you.” She whispered, “So much.”

Bofur winked, “Didn't want your reputation ruined on my account.”

Bilba glanced out the window and back around the hallway before pulling Bofur into a quick kiss. “Now get back to work. I'll see you in a couple of months?” Bofur nodded and gave her another quick kiss before the door was pulled open and she slipped out into the morning. 

Bilba sighed, straightened her back, and turned to join her cousins in the kitchen, as ready as she'd ever be to face their remaining questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time I swear I'll post something with real plot. 
> 
> Also, I now have a [tumblr](http://the-cohort.tumblr.com/) blog for my writing so you should drop by and say hi. And you should also ignore how bare-bones and horrible it is. :)


End file.
